What do you want to be when you grow up?

What do you want to be when you grow up? Every grade school kid has been asked this question. Fireman, policeman, doctor, and football player are probably among the most common answers for boys. Teacher and mom were about as original as the girls ever seemed to get. An occasional astronaut was thrown in for the motivated kids. As your senior year of high school approaches the same question gets asked, normally phrased as "....so what are you gonna do when you graduate?".  By this time the majority of people have shifted their answer to something more realistic(since we can't all be fireman and even with the Broncos desperate need of talent none of us are quite good enough) and generally more vague.  "I'm going to such and such school and getting a bachelors in such and such." Even the ones who seemed to still like school at this point and were going to pursue a masters had a more generic idea such as business law or psychology without a specific career or company in mind. And for those like me the answer was a honest "I don't really know. I think I will work for a while and then maybe go back to school".

Then you work. You work some more. Maybe get promoted, get a pay raise. A little vacation here and there.  But you eventually wake up one day and realize you never decided what you wanted to be when you grew up and its 8 years after graduation. Going back to school seems impossible at this point because you are living on your own and your full time wages go to silly little necessities like rent and food and insurance. And when you get honest you still don't know what you want to do, you just know this isn't it.  There is a depression that can only come from feeling unfulfilled and it hits like a tidal wave.   Restlessness, anxiety, anger, all manifest themselves as symptoms of this depression as you grow less and less content with your life. Its hard, if not impossible to resist this either. There are few things as sapping to mans(and I would assume a woman's) self worth as working a dead end job. Even if it is a job that pays well, if the work is not satisfying and gratifying each hour feels like a wasted drudgery, every day off is reduced to a 24 hour countdown to when it ends and work begins again.

That was me. Then I quit, walked out and never looked back. Life instantly began anew, as close to the moment I graduated high school in its liberation and seemingly boundless opportunities. I worked here and there, mostly relying on my talents as a meat cutter. In my free time I fixed a lot of things in my life. Most notably my walk with God, attending church regularly again, and seeking Him in prayer.  I met an amazing woman and was able to spend a great deal of time getting to know her and fell in love with her rather quickly.  Through all this I knew I needed a job, and still wasn't answering the real question: what do I want to be?
I got engaged the same day I went back to Sams. I guess in some small way I thought maybe I had answered the question: I wanted to be a husband and it didn't matter what else I did. I was wrong. It worked for a while to be sure. I got promoted right away, and overall it seemed a better place to work. The upcoming wedding and all the excitement probably played a part in distracting me too. But it didn't take long before the stress and frustration began to show through, the deep seeded realization that this is still not where I wanted to end up surfaced again.

And that leads to today.  I need out. I feel trapped, helplessly locked into a cycle that I see all too clearly laid out before me and around me.  Every single meat cutter I know has had to work two jobs, had a wife that worked full time or in a lot of cases, both.  They all miss Christmas's and Easters, birthdays and anniversaries, and all those silly little 3 day weekend holidays like Labor Day, Memorial Day and Forth of July. But it goes deeper than that, deeper than the lousy pay and erratic schedule. It goes to a lack of satisfaction in my work. I enjoy what I do, and I think that I am pretty darn good at what I do. But what I do does not bring satisfaction in what I accomplish.  I honestly feel more pride, joy and victory when I win a rec league low level hockey game then when I got promoted at work.

So now what? What do I want to be when I grow up now that I am grown up?  I still don't think I can give you a definitive "I want to work this specific job". I can however give you some generalizations that are all together more specific than I have ever been and following these ideas, I think, can lead me to a career that is rewarding and satisfying. First, in the family realm, I want to be a great husband. The kind of husband who you would never even suspect of cheating, the kind of husband you would want your daughter to be married to, the kind of husband you would raise your son to be.  I want to be a father, one who is there when I am needed, strong and supportive, stern and loving. On the relational side of things, I want to be a friend who is always there, dependable and caring, honest and open.  Financially I want to make enough to take care of my families needs and as many wants as I can.  I want to be generous, to my church, to those in need. I have never aspired to be rich as I know I probably can't be trusted with a lot of money and never saw the point in piling up a large number in a bank account I can't take with me when I die. Now however I look at a future with a family, dependent on my sole income, I want to be able to provide. I don't know exactly what that number is, and with the bargain hunting wife that I have I would probably be shocked at how little we could survive on, but I do honestly believe its higher than what I make now. Lastly, and of probably greater importance than all but the first, I want to make a difference in what I do. Clocking in and out, earning a meager wage and making someone else rich is not cutting it for me. I could work there for 40 more years until retirement and maybe get a nice picture frame for my entire working career and the next day they would replace me with an 18 year old kid for half my pay and life would go on as if I never sat foot in there before. I want to leave something behind, a lasting impact on the world, stamping my identity and proof of existence indelibly on the universe. Maybe I am a dreamer, or even vain, I don't know. I do know this life isn't about me, or what I can do here on earth; it is ultimately about bringing God glory. But in so many ways I think redeeming this time I have, finding joy and contentment and fulfillment in my career will bring Him far greater glory than "sucking it up and grinding out a living".

So, to summarize another rather lengthy post(thank you sincerely if you are still reading), what do you want to be when you grow up? The question is as pertinent and important now as when you were in forth grade.

Part 5: Me, Her, and The Light

I hadn't gone more than a step when I tripped, landing hard and smacking my face on the ground. I groaned in pain, as I slowly got to my knees. I looked ahead and noticed the woman hadn't stopped or slowed down, but was still walking calmly up the path.  I checked behind me to see what had tripped me up and found another rock. This one seemed rather small, hard to imagine it was even heavy enough to make me stumble.  When I reached for it though I found it immensely dense and I had to grunt just to heft it in the one hand.  Written in bright blue and all capital bold letters was "PRIDE".  Well surely I didn't want to leave this one behind. What would the woman think, and the man who had helped me if I caught up and didn't have any pride?  I slid it into my pocket and quickly got back to my feet, intent on trying to close the gap between me and the girl.   I found the heaviness of "PRIDE" kept trying to pull my pants down so I had to use one of my hands to hold them up, which only allowed me to do an awkward lopping motion.

As I followed the woman up the path I began to notice that it got narrower and steeper the further we went, the rock walls dropped away revealing a deep dark cavern underneath that stretched further than the light could penetrate.  The path itself felt no longer like stone but a rough, splinter-prone wood.  I was having trouble keeping up as the path got ever steeper and "PRIDE" seemed to weigh heavier with each step. I no longer seemed to be getting closer to the girl, who seemed to not notice the increased difficulty or dangerous drop to either side, she just kept staring straight ahead at the light and placed each step confidently. As for me, each step became tentative, wrought with worry as I would glance at the girl, then try to peer ahead to the light and then down at my feet, all the while tugging at my pants to keep "PRIDE" from pulling me down. Then a new problem added to the difficulty as I felt the wood getting slick beneath my feet. It wasn't water as it felt slightly sticky and thicker, but the further up the path I went it ran heavier, saturating the wood, running up and oozing over my shoes until the warm liquid had soaked into my socks.  Finally I could take it no more, curiosity and caution drew my eyes off the light ahead and down to the path to figure out what this confounded new problem was. That's when I slipped. I landed on my hands and knees, thankfully not flat on my face again.  The liquid was now flowing pretty good, rushing over my hands and swirling around my knees.  I brought my hand to my face for a closer inspection and gasped. The liquid shone a bright red; blood red.  Violently I shook my hand trying to fling the blood from it and wiped what remained on my ragged shirt.  Now for another surprise(I should have been getting used to these by now); my hand was no longer covered in the black tar, even the gunk that seemed to have seeped into my skin was gone. Clean, unblemished skin showed where ever the blood had touched and when I looked at my shirt, where I had wiped my hand off there was pure white cloth without a single rip.  Quickly I dipped my hand into the blood and splashed a handful onto one of the festering wounds on my side. Instant soothing rushed into the wound and as the blood dripped down it revealed a tiny little scar, completely healed and free from any of the discoloration of infection.  With elation I lay down in the stream, letting it rush over me, using my hands to cover me in the blood entirely.

"Travis" It was the woman's and the mans voice this time, and I slowly got back to my feet, checking myself to make sure the impromptu washing was thorough. Every trace of the black grime that had covered me was gone, my shirt was a brilliant white and my jeans where whole again.  The aches of wounds and injuries, including the ones I had taken while on the path were gone, and I felt energized and complete.  As I looked up the path it made a sharp incline, almost vertical, and then it reached a platform of sorts, where another wooden beam came and crossed this path, making a spot wide enough for two people to stand side by side. And there they were. The woman had already climbed the vertical section and was kneeling, possibly in exhaustion.  The man was facing me but it was hard to see his features as the light seemed almost to be radiating from him. I quickly headed for the vertical part and and began to climb.  It wasn't overly high, maybe twice my height but the blood ran thicker and faster here, and as soon as I tried to use both hands to climb the rush of the stream and "PRIDE" would begin to pull my pants down.  I reached into my pocked and removed "PRIDE", not wanting to lose it in process of the climb and clutched it tightly in my hand.  Slowly I began up the wall, awkwardly wrapping my arms and legs around the wood and shimming my way upwards. The higher I went the heavier "PRIDE" got and my arm began to ache. Then almost at the top I lost all strength and the arm holding onto "PRIDE" swung down limply at my side. I cried out, envisioning me falling, crashing off the path below and careening down into the dark abyss.  My other arm and legs were clenched in a death grip around the wood, and my face was pressed tight against, blood flowing and cascading over me.

"Let go and give me your hand" I looked up to see the mans face peering over the edge at me.  The light still seemed to radiate from him so his exact features were still hard to make out, but I could see compassion and love in his eyes.

I can't, I will fall if I let go.


"Not of the path, let go of "PRIDE", its the only way to reach me."

I shook, knowing I couldn't hold on much longer.  What good was holding onto "PRIDE" if it only brought me to my death?  If I never reached the top and met this woman, or got to know this man, what was the point of keeping it? Slowly I forced each stubborn finger open until "PRIDE" slipped from my grasp and tumbled off into darkness.  I reached for the mans hand and he pulled me up easily and I collapsed on my trembling knees, thankful to be alive, thankful to the man for rescuing me.  I became conscious of the woman kneeling next to me and finally got to see her face.  She was looking at me, her smile mimicking the one in my heart.  She was simply put the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.  Had I seen her back in the dark pathway or heading down the red-lit, crowded path I don't know if I would have noticed her, but here, in this radiant white light her beauty shone through, unrivaled.  Our eyes met and my heart jumped somersaults while threatening to beat right out of my chest.

"I am so glad you found me" Her voice rang clear in my ears but her mouth never moved, the words spoken between us deeper than any sound could convey. Words escaped me, so I quietly reached for her hand, her fingers intertwined with mine and tears of joy ran down both our cheeks. I wanted to thank the man for bringing me to this woman, for helping me past those obstacles and we both turned back to him. He was smiling down at us, joy evident on his face.  I noticed with some shock that his hands were covered in blood, so much that it was running down in a steady flow, joining with a stream that seemed to be coming out of his feet. He must have noticed my shock and locked my gaze with his.

"Yes, this is my blood, the blood that washed you."

But why? Why are you bleeding for me? Why did you help me?


"Because I love you." This answer was so simple...yet so complete. I didn't need any other explanation.  His calling me to this path, the help he offered with out me asking him first, the blood he shed so freely for me all proved his love beyond question. "Now, come, I have plans for you two." He reached down, grabbing our joined hands and pulled us to our feet. "Follow me closely, keep your eyes on me. The path ahead will not be easy, but as long as you hold tight to each other and follow me, I will guide you together on your way."

With that he turned and started on down the path. I squeezed the woman's hand, she squeezed mine reassuringly in return, and we followed him.

Part 4: The Rock-Slide

The rock-slide rose abruptly, towering over and dwarfing me.  How could I ever get through this? The task seemed hopelessly large, impossibly daunting in its magnitude.  There is no way I could move all these rocks, certainly not the big ones, some taller than I was.  I leaned forward, pressing my forehead against the rough cold rock. My breathing was heavy and I realized I was sobbing.  After all this, fighting my way to this point only to be stopped dead, my heart began to feel dead.

"I will give you strength" This voice startled me, and I involuntarily jumped, catching my breath and wiping at the tears running down my cheeks(this only served to smear the black gunk all over my face).  The voice had been a guys this time.  I felt inexplicably reassured though, buoyed with confidence. I took several calming breaths, inhaling deeply. A slight breeze whispered through the rocks, seemingly fresher and invigorating.  Reaching down I grabbed the first small rock and chucked it behind me. The next one was large enough to need both hands and as I bent to pick it up I stopped and stared, puzzled.  On the rock was written "Greed". A quick scan of all the other rocks revealed they too had various things written on them. It didn't matter how small or how large the stone was, every one was labeled.  "Greed" got thrown behind me, followed by "Anger", "Lying", "Cursing", "Prejudice", and "Self-love". These rocks all varied in size, but the weight of each felt identical, from small river stones to bigger blocks that required me to wrap my arms around them in a bear hug, the oddity and increased size being the bigger challenge to move rather than the weight.

Now I was confronted with my first real obstacle, a boulder taller than me, and probably three times wider. Written on this one in a glowing red paint was "Selfishness".

"Hey, hey! No need to move that one there champ! Its not really in the way! If you just knock out some of those rocks along the side of the wall you can just go right around it! Or better yet, come on back and we'll go snowboarding! No, wait, on a Heli-skiing trip!" It was the voice of the Odd Man echoing up to me.  I didn't bother turning around, not really wanting to see what incoherent outfit he had on now, but I did glance at the wall that was still standing, the part I would have to remove to go around. The wall that was hemming in this path and guiding me up this narrow way had words written on it too, but instead of scrawled in various colors like the loose rocks, these words were written in a clean, neatly scripted white.  The words closest to "Selfishness" that I would have to knock out were "Family", "Friends", "Church", "Responsibilities", "Self-Discipline" and "Self-Sacrifice", all linked together so that if I took one out the others would topple.  It did look like the wall would be easy to knock down but then I would be exposed to falling off the path. I found comfort in knowing those rocks were there to protect my way, all of them formed to help lead me to the voice(or now voices).  This left me with only one option; to remove "Selfishness". Upon looking closer at the boulder I now realized there were some cracks in the rock I hadn't noticed before(had the cracks been there before?) which made perfect hand-holds.  I grabbed hold as best I could, pulled in a deep breath and with a heave I pulled. The rock didn't budge an inch. Again and again I threw my weight back only to slump, exhausted and panting. My weight alone wouldn't move this rock, I needed some other way to dislodge it.  I studied the wall again, noticing that the seams between the rocks on the wall, notably "Self-Discipline" and "Self-Sacrifice" would make perfect footholds. Given the fragile look of the wall I was hesitant to use it, but realized I had no other choice. I tentatively wedged my feet on either side of the wall, grabbed hold of the rock and pushed gently back. In a rush the boulder gave way, and I had to quickly scramble back as "Selfishness" began rolling down the path.  Elation rapidly turned to fear as I realized the huge rock was now coming right for me, picking up speed and there was no way to get out of the way.  I back peddled as quickly as I could, but tripped over something, probably one of the other rocks I had thrown behind me, and fell with a thud, the air rushing from my lungs.  As I watched my impending doom bearing down on me I still felt comfort, knowing that I had at least moved that boulder, had gotten that much closer to the voices.  Then something miraculous happened. "Selfishness" began to break apart. First into two big pieces, then those began to crumble, breaking further and further down as it got closer until it was a small tide of pebbles and then as it reached my feet about to bury me it vaporized into a fine dust that settled over everything. Finally able to regain my breath I inhaled sharply only to lapse into a fit of coughing trying to clear my lungs of the thick chalky dust.  Shakily I clambered back to my feet, trying to shake as much of the dust off me and stumbled back up to what was left of the rock-slide blocking my path.

Now that "Selfishness" was gone I could see an archway with "True Love" etched in ornate lettering across the top. The pure white light radiated from all around it, blocked by one last hulking boulder.  Because of the bright light shining in my eyes I had to draw close to this last barrier to read its label. It was smeared and barely legible, pitch black scribbled on the dark rock. It read "Lust".  This one had no hand holds though, no way for me to get a grip on it.  I tried wedging my hand between the archway and "Lust" but as soon as my hand touched the rock images shot through my head and I staggered back, blinking to clear my vision.

"Oh yea suga', rememba' that?  Wasn't that just a hoot? Why my dear, ya' blushin'! You wasn't too ashamed of it back then. Come on back to me baby, we can make more memories."  The lady in red! How had she caught up to me?! I quickly glanced over my shoulder but couldn't see her anywhere.  I couldn't go back there, not again, not after coming this far.  Frantically I beat at "Lust", kicking it, punching it, throwing other rocks at it.  Every time I touched it a shock was sent through my system, sapping my energy to keep fighting and to my great shock each rock that struck it was absorbed into it.  Finally exhausted and ready to give up I feel against the archway of "True Love" and collapsed.  Strength seemed to flow back into me the second I touched the archway, not in the violent bursts of "Lust", but in a steady, constant stream of energy. Then from the other side came the mans voice again, still a quiet whisper, but yet it carried authority and reassurance indescribable.

"Allow me. Just ask and I will remove it."


Please, I can't move it and I want to go through "True Love" and see you and find her, the girl whose voice I heard.

"Stand close to "True Love" and you will be safe"

I scrambled to my feet and pressed in close to the archway.  With a sudden blast, "Lust" shot forward and almost instantly vaporized. I had to squeeze my eyes shut as that piercing white light flooded the hallway, temporarily blinding me.  A few minutes passed and I slowly opened my eyes, allowing them to adjust.  I quickly passed through the "True-Love" archway and then I saw her. More accurately I saw her figure, with the light shining directly from further down the path behind her I could only make out her silhouette.  My breath caught and my heart leaped in my chest.
"Follow me" her voice rang clear and melodious in my ears as she turned and continued up the path.  I quickly started after her, breaking into a quick jog.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Sorry this took so long, I kind of hit a creativity wall and wanted to make sure I was ready to work on it, not try to force it or rush it. I believe I can wrap this up in one more part, which hopefully should come early next week but no promises. Thanks for reading and hanging in there, I do appreciate your time. Again, if you missed the other parts, just use the menus on the right to go to January's posts and you'll find parts 1-3 in there. Thank you again!

Part 3: The Odd Man

Up and up I clambered, falling and clawing my way at times as I stumbled on. How far down this path had I gone? It didn’t seem like I had been walking for long before I had tried to turn back and run into the lady in red but now the white light peeking through the rocks seemed much more distant than I thought it should have.  It didn’t matter though, my desire to reach that voice as great as my desire to escape the lady in red, the former pulling me forward, the latter pushing me on. My legs grew tired, lungs screaming, breathing came in heavy ragged gasps.  Each step was a battle against my physical body which just wanted to turn back and follow the path downwards and my heart which drove me on towards that voice.  It struck me that I was the only one fighting the flow, going back up hill, towards the voice. Had no one else heard it? Was I imagining it? No, certainly not, not this many times. How could anyone who heard that voice not turn immediately and go towards it? Was I the only one who could hear it? I realized it didn’t matter, if no one else wanted to fight to reach her, the woman whose voice I heard, if no one could be bothered to turn and put the effort in, they were unworthy of her. 

Elation filled me as I finally could see the end in sight. The rock wall loomed large, the path that I had started on just a few steps ahead on the left, only a handful of people in front of me. Physical weariness drained out of me, new energy rushed in. I broke free of the crowd in a burst, only to be stopped short again.

In front of me was probably one of the oddest sights I have ever witnessed, but oddly, it didn’t strike me as odd.  Directly at the junction of the 3 paths stood a man juggling. This by itself wasn’t too out of the ordinary, except for how he was dressed. On his head was a goalie mask, he wore a football jersey pulled tight over shoulder pads, baseball pants and soccer shin guards and cleats, completing the hodge-podge outfit.  I was so shocked by this strange fashion statement that I didn’t notice the odd man had quit juggling and was now looking at me, holding a cell phone in one hand and basketball under the other arm. Wait…hadn’t he just been juggling? Where did the basketball and phone come from?

“Hey there buddy, where you going in such a hurry? Did you see the stats from last night’s game? Man Mr. X played huge! Hahahahahaha! You have to see this video on Facespace! Sooo hilarious! Hey, that reminds me, we need another guy for the match tonight, you want to play?” My mind raced trying to keep up with everything, the odd guy seemed to be able to speak faster than my brain could process. If that wasn’t distracting enough every time I blinked his outfit appeared to change, the hockey helmet became a lacrosse helmet, the cleats became skates, the football jersey became camouflage.  “Hey, where are you gonna hunt this year? We should go scouting! Or better yet, let’s learn how to ice climb!” The outfit now was a full down thermal suit, climbing harness and a helmet, ice picks dangling from his wrists. 

Even with all this distraction I couldn’t help but glance over his shoulder to where the voice was coming from. In the midst of his ADD ranting the odd man must have noticed this glance and quickly jumped back in.

“Oh, you’ve heard the voice have you?” Finally! Someone else who knew about the voice! I wanted to ask him a million questions, but before I could even open my mouth his began speaking as fast as his outfit changed (it was now a full 3 piece business suit, except with a pair of basketball sneakers on his feet, eye black smeared on his face). “Yeah, sure it’s tempting but why rush? You can go find her later, the big game is on tonight! You don’t want to miss it, Mr. Z is gonna torch those guys! Plus the commercials! Those are always hilarious!  And the new season of BlahBlahs starts tomorrow at 8/7 central, followed by the premier of the highly acclaimed ‘Game Show That Makes You Do Ridiculous Things’! And then the night after that we have a big match up against our long time rivals! We need you to be there! We can’t win without you! After that, maybe some time next week…oh wait, next week is no good either, busy busy! Maybe next month, or better yet, let’s just put that on hold for a year! She’ll still be there in a year, but now is the time to have some fun!”

“Travis” The voice called again, softly, yet insistent, snapping my attention back to the present. I realized I had been just standing there, staring blankly at the odd man. How long had I wasted being distracted? I could have been moving towards her this whole time instead of listening to this bogus ranting! I quickly tried to utter an apology to excuse  myself and skirted around him and continued towards the rock wall. 

“Wait! How about a quick game of ‘Shoot’em Up For Hours At A Time’?” He now held a video game controller in one hand, a bag of potato chips in the other, and was dressed in wrinkled pajamas and sported a scruffy unshaven face.  I purposefully jammed my fingers in my ears and lengthened my stride. “Wait! Did you listen to this new song? It’s probably the best album ever! Just come back and have a quick listen!” But by now I well past him, beyond his reach, and closing fast on the wall, the white light capturing my attention. Just for good measure I kept my ears plugged for now though. He didn’t chase after me though, seemingly too intent on staying in that one spot to follow me. He knew about the voice; had he heard it? Could he be that distracted that he wouldn’t want to follow it? As I finally reached the wall blocking me from the voice I wished he would have followed me. I could certainly use the odd mans help moving this mountain of rock.

________________________________________________________________________________

Sorry about the delay on part 3, hope it was worth the wait! Not sure when I will get the other parts done(hopefully just 2 more). Again, thank you so much for reading, I really appreciate the investment of your time! 

Part 2: Lady in Red

One leaden foot lifts, moves forward and plants. Slowly the second one follows. What appeared to be a slight downhill grade seems incredibly steep going back uphill.  Suddenly I am surrounded by the teeming mass of people too, trying to push my way against the swirling throng.  I lift my eyes above the crowd to the white light for a second to check my progress and run smack into someone.

“I’m so sorry, excuse me…” I stop short as my eyes drop to the person I ran into.  It is a woman in a red dress, made of a luxurious thin fabric. It is cut very low on the chest and cut very high up the thigh, hanging loose in parts and clinging tightly in others.  Long blonde hair flows down over her bare shoulders, blue eyes dancing wildly from beneath bouncy bangs. “I…I…” try stammering again, cut short as I realize she has moved closer to me, the breath from her bright red lips tickling my ear as she grabs my arm and pulls me in tight against her.

“Why, where ya’ goin’ sugar?” Her southern accent is heavy and easily picked up from her soft whisper.  “Why don’t ya’ follow me, I think we’d have some fun.” Her hand reaches up and traces the nape of my neck and I involuntarily close my eyes. Yes, this is nice, maybe I should follow her, she seems nice enough.

“Travis”

The voice again! It snaps my eyes open with a start. I realize I had been feeling something as soon as I saw the woman in red, but that voice cut right through it. They were almost similar feelings, but the voice completely eclipsed whatever it was the lady in red made me feel, drawing all my hearts attention to the voice.  With my eyes opened I realize with a start there is a huge line of guys behind the lady in red, each staring directly at her back with blank, soulless expressions.  The strangest thing of all is they all have a thick silver necklace bound tight around their necks with a chain hanging down in front and back.  I gasped out loud when I followed the chains. Those weren’t necklaces but collars and they were chained to each other! My eyes followed the link from as far back as I could see of a never ending line to the guy directly behind the lady in red, knowing before I even saw it, that she held the end of the chain in her hand.  I needed to run, to flee but my legs felt cemented to the spot, her warm breath spreading like a spider web over my skin, sticking me close to her. I trembled with fear, seeing my fate stretching out endlessly before me, the eminent disaster pressed close against my body.

“Ah suga’ don’t be so tense, I’ll make ya’ feel good, just relax.” I felt her hand moving on my neck again and wanted to listen to her, my body seeming to take control of my mind. Wait, what was that? The warm caress of her hand had grown cold, hard, almost metallic. The collar! My heart screamed within me and it carried outward, taking control of both my body and brain, till my lungs burst out a roar of defiance. I shoved the lady in red roughly, knocking her back into her line of slaves. They toppled like dominoes, tipping over rigidly. She would have kept her balance but her tight grip on the leash meant she got pulled down into the pile. Suddenly the lifeless eyes of her slaves woke with a feverish glow and they began grabbing at her hungrily.  She slapped away groping hands futility as more of the imprisoned men reached for her.  Soon she and her followers were entangled in a helpless knot of chains, a writhing mass of bodies, her and her bright red dress slowly being swallowed into the middle. 

“Get off me you goons! You will never get me! Do you understand?! I own you but you don’t get me!” Her soft southern drawl was gone now, replaced by a hoarse raging shout.  I quickly took the chance to begin scrambling uphill again, giving a wide berth to the ongoing struggle. No longer caring about civility or caution I pushed and shoved my way up the path, elbowing my way through the throng that passed by seemingly oblivious or unmoved by the maelstrom going on right in front of them.  

“Wait! Except for you sugar! Of course you can have me! You can have all of me! These guys are all nothing, it’s you I want! Please, just come get me out of this and you can have whatever you want!” The lady in red called after me, her harsh tone replaced again with the soft accent. But I was no longer listening, my only focus on getting as far away as I could. If she would have only dropped the leash and untangled herself she might have been able to catch me, but the very thing that was holding her in the melee she was unwilling to let go of, so I continued my frenzied pace away, her voice fading. 

________________________________________________________________________________

Ok, so I thought maybe I could wrap this up in 3 parts...thats not happenings. Looks like probably 5 parts lol. Sorry, this one is kind of growing in my head the more I work on it. Hopefully you, my very valued reader will see this journey through with me, because I think the ending will be well worth it! Again, of course, I love any feedback or thoughts!

Part 1: Blindfolded

I pull the blindfold from my eyes and blink the dust away.  How long was that thing on? My eyes seem to take forever to focus, unaccustomed to being used.  Luckily the light here is dim allowing my eyes to adjust easily. First I take a quick inventory of myself, looking down.  My clothes are ripped and shredded, tears in my shirt reveal festering wounds. Along my arms and chest are several scars, no doubt a result of stumbling around blindfolded for so long. Every inch of skin not covered by what remains of my tattered clothing is crusted in black dirt. I try scrapping some of it off with a fingernail but after removing the substantial outer layer it looks like the grime has soaked into my skin. Next I take in my surroundings, trying to figure out how I got here.  I am in a long corridor with a T-split directly in front of me.  I look behind me, the way I presumably came. There is nothing to see there but darkness stretching into an unfathomable distance.  As I turn to face the path ahead I catch something out of my peripheral vision I hadn’t noticed before, the number 27 written in chalk on the charcoal floor beneath me. I stare at it quizzically, not sure what to make of it. Somehow I am certain that it refers more to a timeline rather than distance, but there’s no way to know for certain. There’s obviously no going back into that darkness and being uncertain of where I am now, coupled with the burning of those infected wounds leave me but one choice: to move forward.  A few short steps bring me to the T and I receive yet another surprise. The path to my right is littered with people. Tons of them actually.  There are people of every shape, size, age, race, and religion. They are all facing away from me, shuffling slowly down the path. The path is on a slight downhill grade, seemingly made of solid stone. It looks to be quite a bit wider than the path I just came from and seems to get wider the further down it goes. Not that it appeared to matter, it looked insanely crowded as far as I could see, people elbowing and jostling to gain position.  A reddish light shone up the path from some far distant source, but it wasn’t steady, almost seeming to flicker and flare like a flame.  Where could all those people be going? It must be pretty decent if all those people were struggling to get there, some even seeming to be in a hurry as they pushed and shoved their way ahead.  Before I even realized it my feet had turned that way and shuffled a couple steps down the path. 

“Travis”

What was that? Did I hear that right? It sounded like my name, but I couldn’t be certain with the loud sound of shuffling feet. It sounded like it came from behind me, curiosity begging me to turn my head. I was surprised the effort it took to pull my eyes away from down the path ahead to look back.  Finally looking over my shoulder I saw where the voice came from, if indeed it was a voice. It was the path that would have been to the left of the T.  Compared to this current path the left path is very narrow, high walls hemming it in on both sides to where it looked like you could only walk single file.  There were no people on this path, not that they could have gone far; it looked like the roof had caved in, a huge jumble of rocks ranging in size from softball size up to a few huge boulders blocked the path.  From the top of that pile came a faint yet piercing white light.  Unlike the red light, this was steady, yet dim from the obstruction blocking the path.  Oh well, looks like there’s no going that way, must have imagined it. As I was about to turn my head back around, I heard it again, unmistakable.

“Travis”

It was a womans voice, and something about it reached down through my ears and into my heart. I felt a small flutter and had to stifle a gasp. I stopped dead in my tracks, sucking in a few short breaths through gritted teeth. How could a voice do that to me? The simple sound of my name from that voice roused such a powerful feeling. I realized then the sharpness of that feeling was magnified because I hadn’t felt much of anything that I could remember.  Now I was compelled and knew I had to turn around. As hard as turning my head was, changing direction with my whole body seemed to be an even greater task yet. Only with the feeling in my heart from hearing that mysterious voice saying my name gave me enough strength and will to do a 180 and start moving back towards the left path.

_________________________________________________________________________________

This is a story I have envisioned in my head, but as I began writing it out I realized it was rather lengthy so in an attempt to not bore you and lose you before the finish(and to maybe generate some good old fashioned anticipation) I have given you the first chunk, and will write the next part(or possibly parts) in the next day or 2. So I hope you enjoy and hope you'll be interested to hear the rest of the story. And of course, feedback and comments are always appreciated!

Rejoicing in what is worth rejoicing in

What do I rejoice and find my joy in? This is a question I was pondering this morning and the following is mostly a paraphrase of my journal entry this morning.

I need to find my joy in Christ and His salvation. It is too easy to be distracted and find my happiness in other things. Whether its my girlfriend, hockey, family, a job or any other variety of activities and interests I tend too often to find my contentment in them. But this is wrong. There is only one thing that can bring me the deepest, longest lasting joy and that is what Christ did for me on the Cross.  Not that enjoying those other things I mentioned are wrong in any way, but they should always be viewed in light of Gods grace and forgiveness. Indeed when I take those earthly pleasures and hold them in the over reaching greatness of Christs love for me and subject them to Gods will for my life I find an even deeper and pure joy in them.
And this belief of holding salvation as the root of my contentment is all the more evident when these earthly things aren't bringing me joy or are actually bringing me sorrow.  When I find my hope, joy, and peace in the finished work of the Cross nothing can shake the deep seeded peace in my heart.  Tears may fall, my heart may ache, bones may break, relationships may end, but salvation is mine eternally. These earthly things can never add or detract from the heavenly things promised me. This is where I find my joy and rejoicing.

This thought stemmed from Luke 10 where Christ appointed 72 men to go out and teach and cast out demons and heal the sick. When they returned they were rejoicing, being amazed that they were able to cast out demons. Christs response is truly remarkable to me. Instead of saying "Good job" or patting them on the back for a job well done He brings the focus back to salvation.
Luke 10:20 "Nevertheless, do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven."
Now I haven't cast out any demons recently, but yet I still find myself rejoicing in things other than my salvation. How much more I should focus on Him and His free gift!

So if you are content and find joy in your life, rejoice even more in Gods forgiveness and love. And if you are hurting and at a loss for happiness, find comfort, peace and hope in the deep joy of Christs redemptive work on the Cross for you.

I will glory in my Redeemer,
Travis