What do you want to be when you grow up? Every grade school kid has been asked this question. Fireman, policeman, doctor, and football player are probably among the most common answers for boys. Teacher and mom were about as original as the girls ever seemed to get. An occasional astronaut was thrown in for the motivated kids. As your senior year of high school approaches the same question gets asked, normally phrased as "....so what are you gonna do when you graduate?". By this time the majority of people have shifted their answer to something more realistic(since we can't all be fireman and even with the Broncos desperate need of talent none of us are quite good enough) and generally more vague. "I'm going to such and such school and getting a bachelors in such and such." Even the ones who seemed to still like school at this point and were going to pursue a masters had a more generic idea such as business law or psychology without a specific career or company in mind. And for those like me the answer was a honest "I don't really know. I think I will work for a while and then maybe go back to school".
Then you work. You work some more. Maybe get promoted, get a pay raise. A little vacation here and there. But you eventually wake up one day and realize you never decided what you wanted to be when you grew up and its 8 years after graduation. Going back to school seems impossible at this point because you are living on your own and your full time wages go to silly little necessities like rent and food and insurance. And when you get honest you still don't know what you want to do, you just know this isn't it. There is a depression that can only come from feeling unfulfilled and it hits like a tidal wave. Restlessness, anxiety, anger, all manifest themselves as symptoms of this depression as you grow less and less content with your life. Its hard, if not impossible to resist this either. There are few things as sapping to mans(and I would assume a woman's) self worth as working a dead end job. Even if it is a job that pays well, if the work is not satisfying and gratifying each hour feels like a wasted drudgery, every day off is reduced to a 24 hour countdown to when it ends and work begins again.
That was me. Then I quit, walked out and never looked back. Life instantly began anew, as close to the moment I graduated high school in its liberation and seemingly boundless opportunities. I worked here and there, mostly relying on my talents as a meat cutter. In my free time I fixed a lot of things in my life. Most notably my walk with God, attending church regularly again, and seeking Him in prayer. I met an amazing woman and was able to spend a great deal of time getting to know her and fell in love with her rather quickly. Through all this I knew I needed a job, and still wasn't answering the real question: what do I want to be?
I got engaged the same day I went back to Sams. I guess in some small way I thought maybe I had answered the question: I wanted to be a husband and it didn't matter what else I did. I was wrong. It worked for a while to be sure. I got promoted right away, and overall it seemed a better place to work. The upcoming wedding and all the excitement probably played a part in distracting me too. But it didn't take long before the stress and frustration began to show through, the deep seeded realization that this is still not where I wanted to end up surfaced again.
And that leads to today. I need out. I feel trapped, helplessly locked into a cycle that I see all too clearly laid out before me and around me. Every single meat cutter I know has had to work two jobs, had a wife that worked full time or in a lot of cases, both. They all miss Christmas's and Easters, birthdays and anniversaries, and all those silly little 3 day weekend holidays like Labor Day, Memorial Day and Forth of July. But it goes deeper than that, deeper than the lousy pay and erratic schedule. It goes to a lack of satisfaction in my work. I enjoy what I do, and I think that I am pretty darn good at what I do. But what I do does not bring satisfaction in what I accomplish. I honestly feel more pride, joy and victory when I win a rec league low level hockey game then when I got promoted at work.
So now what? What do I want to be when I grow up now that I am grown up? I still don't think I can give you a definitive "I want to work this specific job". I can however give you some generalizations that are all together more specific than I have ever been and following these ideas, I think, can lead me to a career that is rewarding and satisfying. First, in the family realm, I want to be a great husband. The kind of husband who you would never even suspect of cheating, the kind of husband you would want your daughter to be married to, the kind of husband you would raise your son to be. I want to be a father, one who is there when I am needed, strong and supportive, stern and loving. On the relational side of things, I want to be a friend who is always there, dependable and caring, honest and open. Financially I want to make enough to take care of my families needs and as many wants as I can. I want to be generous, to my church, to those in need. I have never aspired to be rich as I know I probably can't be trusted with a lot of money and never saw the point in piling up a large number in a bank account I can't take with me when I die. Now however I look at a future with a family, dependent on my sole income, I want to be able to provide. I don't know exactly what that number is, and with the bargain hunting wife that I have I would probably be shocked at how little we could survive on, but I do honestly believe its higher than what I make now. Lastly, and of probably greater importance than all but the first, I want to make a difference in what I do. Clocking in and out, earning a meager wage and making someone else rich is not cutting it for me. I could work there for 40 more years until retirement and maybe get a nice picture frame for my entire working career and the next day they would replace me with an 18 year old kid for half my pay and life would go on as if I never sat foot in there before. I want to leave something behind, a lasting impact on the world, stamping my identity and proof of existence indelibly on the universe. Maybe I am a dreamer, or even vain, I don't know. I do know this life isn't about me, or what I can do here on earth; it is ultimately about bringing God glory. But in so many ways I think redeeming this time I have, finding joy and contentment and fulfillment in my career will bring Him far greater glory than "sucking it up and grinding out a living".
So, to summarize another rather lengthy post(thank you sincerely if you are still reading), what do you want to be when you grow up? The question is as pertinent and important now as when you were in forth grade.
